In the landscape of healthy relationships, few tools are as transformative yet underutilised as the simple agreement. Whether we’re navigating workplace dynamics, intimate partnerships, or family relationships, agreements serve as the foundation for mutual respect, clear communication, and emotional well-being.
What Is an Agreement?
An agreement, in the context of relationships and boundaries, is a mutual understanding between people about how they will interact, communicate, and respect each other’s needs. It is an informal contract, or a collaborative framework that defines boundaries and establishes how those boundaries will be honoured.
At its core, an agreement involves two essential components:
- Defining clear boundaries – articulating what you need, what works for you, and what doesn’t
- Negotiating respect – working together to find ways these boundaries can be honoured while meeting everyone’s needs
Think of agreements as relationship roadmaps. They help prevent misunderstandings, reduce conflict, and create space for authentic connection by establishing mutual expectations upfront.
I have written in more detail about agreements as the base for Healthy Relationships HERE.
Additionally, given how useful these agreements are in applying both PCM and Emotional Assertiveness in our daily lives, I’d like to highlight several such examples below.
Agreements and the Process Communication Model
The Process Communication Model teaches us that people have different communication preferences and psychological needs. Some thrive on recognition for their work, others need time and space to process, while some require playful interaction to feel energized. When we understand these differences, agreements become powerful tools for creating harmony.
For example, if you know you process information best when given time to think, you might create an agreement with your partner: “When we need to discuss important decisions, let’s agree to allow 24 hours to consider before we make a final choice.”
Similarly, if you know you thrive when data, facts and information are given to you in a discussion, make an agreement with your conversation partner that they will keep that in mind when they discuss with you.
This isn’t about being difficult—it’s about inviting others to interact with you in a way that brings out your best.
In the same way, if you recognise that you need acknowledgement for your work and competence, an agreement might sound like: “I’d love for us to celebrate our wins together, even the small ones. Could we make it a practice to acknowledge each other’s efforts and results at the end of each week?”
These agreements transform potential friction points into opportunities for deeper understanding and connection.
Emotional Assertiveness Through Agreements
Perhaps nowhere are agreements more valuable than in developing Emotional Assertiveness. Emotional Assertiveness, as defined by John Parr, the creator of the Emotional Assertiveness Model© is “the act of assertively expressing one’s authentic emotions with the objective to strengthen and deepen friendship and cooperation.” This means moving beyond simply stating what we want to authentically sharing the emotions that drive our needs, all while maintaining calm respect and seeking win-win outcomes.
To be Emotionally Assertive through agreements, we must first recognise our emotions, identify which are genuine versus cover-up emotions, understand what these emotions are telling us about our needs, and then communicate those needs effectively. Remember, emotions are simply messengers—there are no negative emotions, only information about what we require to thrive.
Emotional Assertiveness through agreements might look like:
Recognising authentic emotions first: Instead of just saying “I need space,” you might explore what you’re really feeling. “I notice I feel overwhelmed and somewhat anxious when we discuss finances. Are you up for making an agreement about having these conversations when we’re both calm and have dedicated time?”
Expressing underlying needs: Rather than surface-level complaints, you share the deeper emotional truth. “I feel disconnected from you when we spend evenings on our phones. I’m craving more personal connection. Will you agree for us to to have device-free dinners twice a week?”
Seeking to strengthen the relationship: The goal isn’t to win or be right, but to deepen cooperation. “I feel frustrated when we don’t keep to agreed plans because I feel my needs around time aren’t respected. I want to create an agreement about how we handle schedule changes so we both feel respected. Are you open to look at this with me?”
The beauty of this approach is that it transforms potentially confrontational moments into opportunities for deeper understanding. You’re not just setting boundaries—you’re sharing your emotional reality in service of strengthening the relationship while honoring both your needs and theirs.
The Ripple Effect of Clear Agreements
When we master the art of creating agreements, something remarkable happens. Our relationships become less reactive and more intentional. We spend less energy on misunderstandings and more energy on genuine connection. People around us feel safer because they know what to expect, and we feel more empowered because our needs are being honoured.
Agreements also model healthy relationship skills for others. When we demonstrate how to ask for what we need while remaining considerate of others, we give permission for others to do the same.
Starting Your Agreement Practice
Begin small. Choose one relationship and one area where you’d like to clarify boundaries. Approach the conversation with curiosity rather than demands: “I’ve been thinking about how we can communicate even better together. Would you be open to creating some agreements about…?”
Remember, the goal isn’t perfection—it’s progress. Agreements can be adjusted as relationships evolve and as you learn more about yourself and others.
The power of agreements lies not just in what they create, but in what they represent: a commitment to conscious, respectful relationship-building where everyone’s needs matter. In a world that often feels chaotic and disconnected, agreements offer us a way back to intentional, nurturing connections with the people who matter most.
As always, I hope you found this useful!
Stay happy,
Magda.
PS: A big reason I write is to meet people so feel free to say Hi! on Linkedin here or follow my Instagram here, as I’d love to learn more about you.
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