I often say that I’m blessed to have a job where I get to share with the world the very tools that have helped me personally and professionally and made my life better.
And that’s exactly the case with PCM.
If you don’t know it yet, PCM (Process Communication Model) is a communication and stress management tool based on psychology, developed with NASA’s support back in the 1970s. You can find more details about PCM here.
Now, how exactly did PCM save my relationship? Allow me to tell you the story.
In the first years of my relationship with my partner (now my husband), he went through a very difficult period. After six years of PhD and post-doc work at the prestigious Imperial College London, he was trying to transition into a job outside academia.
And it was tough. Most hiring managers and recruiters told him they didn’t care about his PhD or post-doc experience because, as they put it, “university isn’t the real world.”
The irony? His PhD in computational physics, which focused on fluid dynamics, had actually been applied by McLaren to make their cars faster! He had also taught himself parallel and high-performance computing, both highly relevant to the big data field, which was booming at the time.
But despite all that, he kept hearing the same dismissive responses. Many recruiters were either ignoring his applications or offering him entry-level jobs meant for fresh graduates: essentially erasing six years of hard work, research, and dedication.
After months of this, he was understandably stressed. And as a true Persister Phase, he started preaching: every day, many times a day.
He would go on about how these recruiters and hiring managers didn’t recognise value, didn’t try to understand how much he could contribute, how superficial their interviews were (and, honestly, they really were).
And there I was, Base and Phase Harmoniser, listening to him.
Now, the Harmoniser tends to see everyone as nice and always finds excuses for people when they’re not at their best. So while he was complaining, I kept defending them:
“Maybe they had a bad day…”
“Think how many people they interview…”
“Maybe they were tired…”
You get the idea.
Here’s where PCM theory comes in.
The Persister Phase has two key Psychological Needs:
- Recognition of Convictions
- Recognition of Principled Work
My partner’s Base Type is Thinker, whose Psychological Needs (the second most important for him) include:
- Recognition of Productive Work (Competence)
So what was happening? The recruiters and hiring managers weren’t just ignoring his needs; they were negatively pushing them. And I, with all my good intentions, was unintentionally adding fuel to the fire by not acknowledging how painful his situation was.
No wonder he was so distressed! In PCM, preaching is the main sign of serious distress for someone in the Persister Phase (2nd degree of distress).
Then one day, it finally dawned on me.
I could stop siding with “the others” and take my partner’s side.
Instead of trying to justify everyone else’s behaviour, I could support him.
If he was preaching so much, it wasn’t because he thought he was better than everyone; it was because he was hurting.
(Just to give some context: my Persister floor is the 5th one in my Personality Structure, so seeing the world from that perspective takes quite a lot of effort for me.)
So… guess what I finally did?
When he started preaching again, I joined him!
“Those m… f…! They’re unbelievable! So unprofessional! They have no idea how much value you could bring! How can they do that? They’re sooo dumb!”
You should have seen his face. He stopped mid-sentence, looked at me wide-eyed, and, still in disbelief, hugged me. Then he thanked me for understanding him. And just like that, he calmed down. He could think clearly again and get back to more productive behaviours.
Was it difficult for me? Honestly, yes. With the Persister on my 5th floor, it doesn’t come naturally. Seeing the world through his eyes took energy.
But once I realised that the best way to help him was to meet him there, it became an easy choice.
Before that shift, my inner thoughts were judgmental:
“Oh, how critical he is of others! Does he think he’s the centre of the universe?”
But I had forgotten that when we’re under stress, we don’t see things clearly.
If I had kept that mindset, I might have chosen to walk away.
Instead, PCM reminded me that if he was preaching so much and for so long, it meant he was in pain. He wasn’t acting superior – he was feeling like six years of work had been for nothing. He was afraid and hopeless.
So I took my metaphorical elevator to my 5th floor and joined him there, in his world where dedication, integrity, and hard work matter deeply.
Where spending long hours to tackle complex challenges is something to be proud of.
Where transferable skills should be valued.
Such a simple act, yet so powerful. And it changed everything.
Sometimes we just don’t resonate with how others see the world. We see things differently. But when we recognise that they are OK, valuable, and worthwhile, and the relationship matters to us, we can choose to adapt. We can choose, for a while, to see the world through their eyes.
We’re all different, and we’re all equally OK.
Sometimes I realise it takes me time to truly embody what I’ve learned in PCM. And that’s OK. When I do, it’s always worth it.
The more I apply PCM in my life, the more aha! moments I have, and the better my relationships become.
Sometimes love isn’t about sharing your view of the world; it’s about taking the elevator to their floor and seeing the world through their eyes. 🌍💛
So yes, this is how PCM saved my relationship.
And full disclosure: it keeps making it better and better every single day. 😊
Magda.
PS: A big reason I write is to meet people so feel free to say Hi! on LinkedIn here or follow my Instagram here, as I’d love to learn more about you.
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