In Transactional Analysis (TA), the branch of psychotherapy on which both Process Communication Model (PCM) and Emotional Assertiveness (EA) are based, “I’m OK- You’re OK” is called the healthy life position. It is probably the best-known expression of the purpose of TA itself: to establish and reinforce the position that recognizes the value and worth of every person.
TA regards people as basically “OK” and thus capable of change, growth and healthy interactions.
This healthy life position represents the “belief that people have basic value, worth, and dignity as human beings. That people are OK is a statement of their essence, not necessarily their behaviour. This position is characterized by an attitude of trust and openness, a willingness to give and take, and an acceptance of others as they are. People are close to themselves and others. There are no losers, only winners.” (Source)
The EA training teaches us that several important distinctions are to be made here when it comes to our personality and the relationship this has with our behaviours, thoughts and feelings.
Personality ≠ behavior
My behaviors and other people’s behaviors may not be OK, but as a person I and the other people are OK.
Personality ≠ thoughts
My thoughts may be different, and different from the thoughts of others, but as a person I am OK and they are OK.
Personality ≠ feelings
I can feel different feelings than other people do, and I am OK and they are OK.
Depending on how we or others relate to the OK-ness of self and others, four life positions were developed by Frank Ernst into the well-known OK Corral shown below.
The four life positions:
I’m OK – You’re OK
I’m OK – You’re not OK
I’m not OK – You’re OK
I’m not OK – You’re not OK
I’ve already mentioned the I’m OK – You’re OK or the healthy life position above, the realm of cooperation. When I find myself in this position in relation to someone, I might not like some of their behaviours, thoughts or feelings and I will share that with them, with no attacks or blame or victim behaviours. I’ll just inform them and negotiate agreements from the OK-OK position.
The I’m OK – You’re not OK is the position of people who blame, attack and criticize others. This position is that of the person who needs an underdog to maintain his or her sense of “OKness”. I will become aggressive towards you because I consider you not-OK. This can also take the form of passive-aggressive behaviour (sarcastic, jokes to bring the other on the edge). In PCM, four of the six Personality Types take this position when under distress (second degree of distress, which invites conflict).
The I’m not OK – You’re OK is known as the helpless or one-down position and is characterized by feeling powerless in comparison with others. Typically, such people serve others’ needs instead of their own and generally feel and act as a victim. In this position, we will support the power of others and deny one’s own. In PCM, two of the six Personality Types take this position when under distress (second degree of distress, which invites conflict).
The I’m not OK – You’re not OK is known as the position of hopelessness, futility and frustration. Operating from this place, people have lost interest in life and may see life as totally without promise. This self-destructive stance may lead to extreme withdrawal, a return to infantile behaviour, or violent behaviour resulting in injury to themselves or others. This is the realm of breaking relationships, and silent or vocal resignations. In PCM, this is the realm of the third-degree (the deepest) distress for all of the six Personality Types.
In reality, each of us has a favorite position we operate from under stress. The challenge is to become aware of how we are attempting to make life real through our basic life position and if necessary, create a healthy alternative. Being present and gaining self-awareness of our behavioural patterns is the first step towards staying longer in the healthy I’m OK – You’re OK life position.
I hope you found this blog post useful!
Stay happy! 🫶🏻 (or better yet, stay OK-OK! 🙂 )
Magda.
Sources:
- Emotional Assertiveness Certification Training
- https://www.clairenewton.co.za/my-articles/transactional-analysis-part-iii-the-scripts-we-follow.html
My PCM Training Courses
If you want to get your own PCM Personality Profile, as well as a host of amazingly insightful information about yourself and others, come and join me for one of my Open PCM Training courses (see more info below) or find out if we can collaborate for an in-house PCM Training for your teams.
We go into the subject of PCM Personality Types and what they means for your communication and stress management, as well as many more interesting themes in my PCM training courses. I normally deliver PCM in-house, face-to-face or online, for organisations around Europe and the world.
However, twice a year (in early spring and autumn), I organise Open PCM Training Courses, in English, where anyone can sign up. These are for all those who want to know themselves better and improve their relationships, their communication and their stress management.
The Open PCM Training Courses are organised as a 5-week programme: we meet online every week for 4 hours to learn and practice and then we have homework from one week to another to “play the detective” and practice again what we’ve learnt. If this interests you, check out the Open PCM Training Programme presentation page or schedule a virtual coffee with me to learn more about it.
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