Have you ever walked into a meeting and felt suddenly small? Or caught yourself dismissing a colleague's idea before they'd even finished their sentence? These moments are more than just bad days – they're windows into something deeper: the relational position we're operating from.

In Transactional Analysis (the branch of psychotherapy on which both Process Communication Model (PCM) and Emotional Assertiveness (EA) are based), there are four core life positions that shape how we see ourselves in relation to others. Understanding them can genuinely transform the way we communicate, lead, and connect.

 

"I'm NOT OK – You're OK" (– / +)

This is the position of self-doubt and comparison. When we're here, we feel discouraged, powerless, or like a victim of our circumstances. We yield to others, hold back our voice, and over time, we can begin to feel fundamentally inferior.

Sound familiar? Think about how you feel when presenting to a senior leader, or walking into a room full of people you perceive as more experienced or more confident than you. That quiet shrinking – that's the (– / +) position at work.

This position leads to withdrawal, over-accommodation, and victimisation. It's not weakness – it's a deeply human response. But it's worth noticing.

"I'm OK – You're NOT OK" (+ / –)

On the surface, this one might look like confidence. But it's confidence that can only sustain itself by putting others down. From this position, we blame, criticise, and attack. We struggle to listen, dismiss other people's ideas, and operate with an "I know best" attitude.

This is the persecutor position – and it can show up in leadership more than we'd like to admit. When a manager doesn't make space for their team's input, when feedback becomes personal, when criticism replaces curiosity – that's (+ / –) in action.

The cost? Trust erodes. People stop bringing their best ideas to the table. And eventually, the team disengages.

"I'm NOT OK – You're NOT OK" (– / –)

This is the position of despair. From here, life can feel meaningless, work can feel pointless, and relationships can feel rejecting – because we reject others too. It's the position associated with burnout, depression, and disconnection.

In teams, this can build slowly and quietly. When people feel that nothing they do makes a difference, that things are always going wrong regardless of their effort, they can slip into a collective (– / –) dynamic – turning on each other, losing motivation, and spiralling downward together.

It's a difficult place to come back from, which is why it's so important to spot the signs early.

"I'm OK – You're OK" (+ / +) – The Position That Changes Everything

Here's the good news: there's a fourth position, and it's a healthy one.

When we operate from (+ / +), we believe we deserve to be valued and so does the person in front of us. We approach problems collaboratively. We listen with genuine curiosity. We negotiate for win-win outcomes and we co-create rather than compete.

This is the position of connection, cooperation, and psychological health. It's where the best conversations happen, where trust is built, and where real progress is made – in our work and in our relationships.

So, How Do We Stay There?

The honest answer is: we don't, always. We move between these positions all the time – sometimes within a single conversation.

The key is awareness. Before any important interaction, try asking yourself two questions:

  • "How important is this person to me?"
  • "How do I perceive myself in relation to them?"

And then, when things get difficult – when priorities shift unexpectedly, when a decision gets challenged, when someone pushes back on you – pause and notice: What happens inside me? Where do I go?

Because here's the thing:

Emotional Assertiveness means staying in I'm OK – You're OK, even when the situation is not OK.

It's a skill. It takes practice. But it is one of the most powerful things you can develop – for your psychological health, your physical wellbeing, and the quality of every relationship in your life.

Which position do you notice yourself in most often?

My PCM Training Courses

Find out more about the Open PCM Training with Magda

 

My Emotional Assertiveness Training Courses

Find out more about the Open EA Training with Magda

 

Interested in finding out more about how PCM or EA can help you and/or your teams?

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