One very important thing that delivering Process Communication Model (PCM) has given me – especially after I started applying it more often in my day-to-day life – is to stop taking things personally. Most of them, anyway.
Patterns, defence mechanisms, stress and drama
And that is because PCM talks about our patterns of behaviour – especially those when we are under stress. While behind the masks that we wear when we are under stress, there is still our OK self, well… those masks are behaviours that are not OK, they are defence mechanisms that invite others into stress and drama.
Think about it… did it happen to you that you’ve done something to the best of your capabilities – e.g. cooked dinner for your partner, cleaned the house or the room, etc? And then, your partner or your parents, instead of focusing on the good things you’ve done, focus on the negatives. They focus on the drops of water that you’ve left around the kitchen sink while washing the dishes after you cooked (you did not clean that perfectly) or the sock that remained unseen (but not by them) under the bed… And they are pointing out those things, and not (so much) the effort you’ve put into doing things in the first place?
It drives me crazy when something like that happens! A voice in me yells: can you please focus on what I’ve done and appreciate the space I’m coming from by doing that. For example, the fact that I wanted to cook a healthier and tastier meal for my partner, I wanted to surprise you by going the extra mile and doing all the cleaning, etc. And they are focusing on what is wrong… what is missing… on what is not perfect! I’ll never be perfect!
These behaviours are normal, we all have them, and they are based on myths we all have
Well, rest assured, if you’ve been in such a position, you’re not the only one. And if you are on the other side and focusing on what is not perfect, again, you’re not the only one.
What happens there is just an example of a myth that some of us live by: “You have to be perfect to be OK”. Most of us are unaware of living our lives by such myths… and there are plenty, and some of them involve certain conditions that we or others have to fulfil to be OK, to be worthy…
And these conditions have something to do with us or the other needing to be strong, be perfect, try hard, please others… The sad thing is that, if we are unaware of them, they rule our lives and negatively impact our relationships (with ourselves and others).
Don’t take it personally!
But, if you are on the “receiving side”… don’t take it personally! Most of us are not aware of our myths. We don’t logically decide that people are only OK if they… *insert myth here*.
The example I gave earlier is a myth that is very present for people with a very strong Persister Personality Type (from PCM) and it’s one myth that I see very often in my personal and professional life. It’s not mine… I have others… plenty of others :).
So, I would like to invite you to think… what are the myths by which you are (unconsciously) leading your life and living your relationships? Do you feel the need to please others to be OK, or to be perfect to be OK, or to be strong to be OK, or do you think you need to try hard to be OK? Or, is it the other way around… for others to be OK they need to be perfect/strong or to try hard.
Remember one thing: We are all OK as we are. Our myths and distress could make that truth a bit cloudy… so…
Don’t take it personally!
Magda.
My PCM Training Courses
We go into the subject of our myths and many more interesting themes in my PCM training courses. I normally deliver PCM in-house, face-to-face or online, for organisations around Europe.
However, twice a year (in early spring and autumn), I organise Open PCM Courses, where anyone can sign up. One session in English and one in Romanian. These are for all those who want to know themselves better and improve their relationships, their communication and their stress management.
The Open PCM Courses are organised as a 6-week programme: we meet online every week for 3h15’ to learn and practice and then we have homework from one week to another to “play the detective” and practice again what we’ve learnt. If this interests you, check out the Open PCM Training Programme presentation page or schedule a virtual coffee with me to learn more about it.
PS: A big reason I write is to meet people so feel free to say Hi! on Linkedin here or follow my Instagram here, as I’d love to learn more about you.
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