From Drama to Responsibility: Escaping the Drama Triangle and Building Healthy Relationships

In my certification training for Emotional Assertiveness, and through many of the psychology books I’ve read over the years, I came across the Drama Triangle – a simple but powerful model by Stephen Karpman that describes how we can get caught in unhealthy patterns of interaction. I found it eye-opening. It gave me language for dynamics I had sensed but couldn’t quite explain – both in personal relationships and in the workplace. That’s why I want to share it with you today, along with a healthier alternative that has deeply influenced the way I view responsibility and connection in relationships.

So, if you’ve ever found yourself stuck in an emotional tug-of-war – feeling like the victim, trying to rescue someone, or blaming others – you’ve likely been caught in the Drama Triangle. First described by Stephen Karpman in the late 1960s, the Drama Triangle is a model that shows how people get stuck in unhealthy patterns of interaction.

The Drama Triangle: Three Roles, One Trap

Karpman’s Drama Triangle consists of three roles:

• Victim: “Poor me.” Feels helpless, powerless, or oppressed.
• Rescuer: “Let me help you.” Takes on responsibility for others’ problems, often without being asked.
• Persecutor: “It’s your fault.” Blames, criticizes, or controls others to feel powerful.

People often shift between these roles, keeping the cycle alive. For example, a Rescuer who feels unappreciated might suddenly become a Persecutor. Or a Persecutor might feel misunderstood and switch to Victim.

This triangle is emotionally charged and drama-filled. And it’s exhausting.

(See: “A Game Free Life” by Stephen Karpman)

A Healthier Alternative: The Healthy Relationships Diagram (the 100/100 model)

Now contrast this with the concept of a healthy relationship – one where each person takes 100% responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, and 50% responsibility for the relationship itself.

This model, often used in conscious communication and coaching (see “Emotional Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman and “Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson), suggests that a relationship is not just two people – it’s a third entity formed by mutual agreements, not assumptions.

Instead of rescuing, blaming, or playing the victim, each person:

• Owns their emotions and expresses them clearly
• Acts consciously instead of reacting from old patterns
• Clarifies and revisits agreements in the relationship
• Stays curious rather than making accusations or assumptions

This approach requires emotional maturity, but the result is far less drama and much more connection.

How the Two Models Compare

Escaping the Drama Triangle

Here’s how each role can step into responsibility:

• Victim → Creator: Acknowledge your feelings but ask, “What can I do?” You’re not helpless – you have choices.
• Rescuer → Coach/Supporter: Offer empathy, not solutions. Ask, “What do you need?” and respect others’ autonomy.
• Persecutor → Challenger: Express needs and boundaries without blame. Be assertive, not aggressive.

(Ted Klontz and David Emerald’s book “The Power of TED (The Empowerment Dynamic)” is an excellent guide for this shift.)

The Power of Agreements

Healthy relationships are built on agreements, not assumptions. These include emotional agreements (like how we communicate during conflict), logistical agreements (who does what), and relational agreements (what we expect from the partnership).

Agreements shift us out of drama. They turn vague expectations into shared understanding – which means fewer misunderstandings and much less resentment.

Final Thought

The Drama Triangle thrives in the absence of responsibility and clarity. When we step out of roles and into ownership, we create space for connection, growth, and trust.

So next time you feel pulled into drama, pause. Ask yourself:

• Am I taking 100% responsibility for my part?
• Are we clear on our agreements?
• Am I speaking from reactivity or from choice?

That simple shift can change everything.

References:

• Karpman, Stephen. A Game Free Life (Drama Triangle)
• Emerald, David. The Power of TED (The Empowerment Dynamic)
• Goleman, Daniel. Emotional Intelligence
• Johnson, Sue. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love